A big step I took to sooth both hearts

I am sad and Mad.. Both at me and Him... Cant a girl ever be more selfish.. Why other people can? why me cannot? why? why? why? I cannot recall this is the whenth time we patch back after all the break ups.. Honestly i am tired of patching up and breaking and patching.. This cycle seems never to end.. i guess its hard or never to find a guy who will say " i will wait for you".. Maybe this kind of fairy tales only happens to Good people.. Sinful people like me dont deserve any happiness issit? Ok fine, i accept it since im a sinful person.

There are infact too much problems that we keep running away from.. problems that kept us breaking up.. I finally fork out a solution.. A solution that i am not so happy about, but i guess its the best solution.. I guess i am the most silliest person who have thought of such things.

I suggested that both of us are internet lovers. We will only contact each other through MSN and Phones. We might go out once in a while which i doubt. I wont ever ask him to spend time with me for lunch or dinner. He can use all his time as much as he liked.. Both of us can spend out time with whoever we wants.. No commitment needed i guess. I guess we might almost like total strangers when we meet each other.. When he is with his friends, i do feel he is a stranger that i dont know..

Remember i said above of my plan, suprisingly he agreed.. The moment he agreed, my heart aches.. Tears was trickling down my face.. Unstopable tears where my heart is torn to pieces. However since he agreed, i am not going to plead or beg, ill go along with this plan.. A plan that hurts me a lot.. I have no idea whether my decisions is right or wrong, but i just hope he is happy..

He said by doing this, he scared he will lose my heart and lose me eventually.He also said then we are not BF or GF anymore lo?.. i wanted to shout at him"then why didt u try to make me stay". Silly am i not? M heart would not stop aching. The pain is unbearable.. feels being torn into thousand of pieces.. this my thought for now.. i pray for the calmness of my soul..