I am sad. Irritated....

I am not feeling good.. mentally and physically. Physically because im sick. It have been 2 days that i vomiting and diarhea. I just cant figure it out which food has gone bad... i am also having headaches and gastric and back ache... I really hate it..

there will be a mid sem on tuesday which i havent prepared yet. im either too busy sleeping or playing computer. i dont have the heart to study because i cant concentrate well.. partially its because im kip thinking of food... and being mad at HIM.....

I know i should not expect things back from HIM.... What i do comes from my heart and should not seek for any repayment because of the power of love... When he was sick, i turn my my friends offer to hang out, i look after him..... i not saying im a saint or so. i just want him to pay the same amount of attention as i have pay on him....

When he is sick, ill make sure he is fine, not starving and so on. when im sick, he wont ask how am i until i told him to ask me how am i.... i would skip going out with my friends so that i could make sure he have someone when he is in critical condition. although im not in critical condition now, but he would not even stay...

I know my position is lower than himself in his heart. No matter how many times he denies, i still knows the answers... After all, im not precious also. Sometimes, i really hate him.... There were lots of time, i wanted to say the word.... but im not strong enough myself.. issit because im too used to him, or i can only do so when we are apart from each other?? im feeling very tired.. i tried v hard not to care so much.. but he really didt live up to my expectation.. should i continue to go on? should i talk to him about it? i dont know...

The first day of my Trip

1130pM 2ND MAY

NOW WAITING FOR THE CHECK IN COUNTER TO BE OPEDN SO THAT I CAN GO IN AND SLEEP SINCE THE PLANE IS ONLY GOING TO FLY AT 3pM! THIS IS THE FIRST TRIP OVERSEA WHITHOUT MY MOM O ANY ONE ELSE! IBTW I AM USING MY PHONE TO ON9 SO I DN KNOW THE TYPINi NT RLY AFRAID BUT V EXCITED! WOOHOO!! KINDA START TO FEEL VBORED... I AM BROUGHT 4 LUGGAGES.. ISSIT TOO MUCH? KINDA WORRIED ABOUT IT... HAHAHAHA..


i didt post this last night cause i was using my phone and it kinda irritated me...


4Pm 3rd of may ( 11am doha)

finally i found a place that wireless that is available. I am transiting over at DOHA around 8 hours. i arrived doha aroung 530 doha time. i came down the place , found a toilet to get myself groomed. Then i tried to online in one of the online both but unsuccessfully... In order not to be over bored, i slept from 63o to 1030 doha time. now is only 11am... geez when i am going back to malaysia, ill be transiting again... going to get crazy.. although i brought my books but i was not in any mood to read nor touch it.. i finishes the biscuits i brought and the bread i took from the plane. I could not eat my Instant noodle because there were no hot water. LET alone HOt water, DOHA international Airport dont even have a proper water dispenser where i could quence my thirst.. i could walk around and try to find but my bags are too heavy that i dnt want to do so..

The plane i took from kuala lumpur to doha is a very big plane.. so i manage to get 3 empty seats and lie down to sleep.. rather than sleeping on a sitting position. The Tv is the airplane is A touch screen tv. Its way more different from the one i took qatar airways long long ago. it was cool..
i watched shutter island on the plane.. lucikly i did not watch it in the cinema because the stupid was stupid. Leonardo di'caprio if im not mistaken in the spellings, does not look as nice as he used to be anymore.. He has a plumpy face now.. oh there is a really cool thing. we are given sticker with 3 different things. one is wake me up if meal is served, second is do not disturb, third one is i have forgot.. then you are required to stick on ur chair so that the airstewardess know whether to wake u up or not. other than that noth is special.. i am gonna watch all the movies in the next flight from doha to istanbul.. so that i wont have a jetlag plus i can manage to watch movies that i have missed..

Doha is not cold around this time, because we are require to take a shuttle bus from the place to the main building, remember i told you that it was 530 in the morning? well, its not cold, plus is super bright. Maybe the sun here got up earlier than malaysia.

adios..

A big step I took to sooth both hearts

I am sad and Mad.. Both at me and Him... Cant a girl ever be more selfish.. Why other people can? why me cannot? why? why? why? I cannot recall this is the whenth time we patch back after all the break ups.. Honestly i am tired of patching up and breaking and patching.. This cycle seems never to end.. i guess its hard or never to find a guy who will say " i will wait for you".. Maybe this kind of fairy tales only happens to Good people.. Sinful people like me dont deserve any happiness issit? Ok fine, i accept it since im a sinful person.

There are infact too much problems that we keep running away from.. problems that kept us breaking up.. I finally fork out a solution.. A solution that i am not so happy about, but i guess its the best solution.. I guess i am the most silliest person who have thought of such things.

I suggested that both of us are internet lovers. We will only contact each other through MSN and Phones. We might go out once in a while which i doubt. I wont ever ask him to spend time with me for lunch or dinner. He can use all his time as much as he liked.. Both of us can spend out time with whoever we wants.. No commitment needed i guess. I guess we might almost like total strangers when we meet each other.. When he is with his friends, i do feel he is a stranger that i dont know..

Remember i said above of my plan, suprisingly he agreed.. The moment he agreed, my heart aches.. Tears was trickling down my face.. Unstopable tears where my heart is torn to pieces. However since he agreed, i am not going to plead or beg, ill go along with this plan.. A plan that hurts me a lot.. I have no idea whether my decisions is right or wrong, but i just hope he is happy..

He said by doing this, he scared he will lose my heart and lose me eventually.He also said then we are not BF or GF anymore lo?.. i wanted to shout at him"then why didt u try to make me stay". Silly am i not? M heart would not stop aching. The pain is unbearable.. feels being torn into thousand of pieces.. this my thought for now.. i pray for the calmness of my soul..