I am sad. Irritated....

I am not feeling good.. mentally and physically. Physically because im sick. It have been 2 days that i vomiting and diarhea. I just cant figure it out which food has gone bad... i am also having headaches and gastric and back ache... I really hate it..

there will be a mid sem on tuesday which i havent prepared yet. im either too busy sleeping or playing computer. i dont have the heart to study because i cant concentrate well.. partially its because im kip thinking of food... and being mad at HIM.....

I know i should not expect things back from HIM.... What i do comes from my heart and should not seek for any repayment because of the power of love... When he was sick, i turn my my friends offer to hang out, i look after him..... i not saying im a saint or so. i just want him to pay the same amount of attention as i have pay on him....

When he is sick, ill make sure he is fine, not starving and so on. when im sick, he wont ask how am i until i told him to ask me how am i.... i would skip going out with my friends so that i could make sure he have someone when he is in critical condition. although im not in critical condition now, but he would not even stay...

I know my position is lower than himself in his heart. No matter how many times he denies, i still knows the answers... After all, im not precious also. Sometimes, i really hate him.... There were lots of time, i wanted to say the word.... but im not strong enough myself.. issit because im too used to him, or i can only do so when we are apart from each other?? im feeling very tired.. i tried v hard not to care so much.. but he really didt live up to my expectation.. should i continue to go on? should i talk to him about it? i dont know...

The first day of my Trip

1130pM 2ND MAY

NOW WAITING FOR THE CHECK IN COUNTER TO BE OPEDN SO THAT I CAN GO IN AND SLEEP SINCE THE PLANE IS ONLY GOING TO FLY AT 3pM! THIS IS THE FIRST TRIP OVERSEA WHITHOUT MY MOM O ANY ONE ELSE! IBTW I AM USING MY PHONE TO ON9 SO I DN KNOW THE TYPINi NT RLY AFRAID BUT V EXCITED! WOOHOO!! KINDA START TO FEEL VBORED... I AM BROUGHT 4 LUGGAGES.. ISSIT TOO MUCH? KINDA WORRIED ABOUT IT... HAHAHAHA..


i didt post this last night cause i was using my phone and it kinda irritated me...


4Pm 3rd of may ( 11am doha)

finally i found a place that wireless that is available. I am transiting over at DOHA around 8 hours. i arrived doha aroung 530 doha time. i came down the place , found a toilet to get myself groomed. Then i tried to online in one of the online both but unsuccessfully... In order not to be over bored, i slept from 63o to 1030 doha time. now is only 11am... geez when i am going back to malaysia, ill be transiting again... going to get crazy.. although i brought my books but i was not in any mood to read nor touch it.. i finishes the biscuits i brought and the bread i took from the plane. I could not eat my Instant noodle because there were no hot water. LET alone HOt water, DOHA international Airport dont even have a proper water dispenser where i could quence my thirst.. i could walk around and try to find but my bags are too heavy that i dnt want to do so..

The plane i took from kuala lumpur to doha is a very big plane.. so i manage to get 3 empty seats and lie down to sleep.. rather than sleeping on a sitting position. The Tv is the airplane is A touch screen tv. Its way more different from the one i took qatar airways long long ago. it was cool..
i watched shutter island on the plane.. lucikly i did not watch it in the cinema because the stupid was stupid. Leonardo di'caprio if im not mistaken in the spellings, does not look as nice as he used to be anymore.. He has a plumpy face now.. oh there is a really cool thing. we are given sticker with 3 different things. one is wake me up if meal is served, second is do not disturb, third one is i have forgot.. then you are required to stick on ur chair so that the airstewardess know whether to wake u up or not. other than that noth is special.. i am gonna watch all the movies in the next flight from doha to istanbul.. so that i wont have a jetlag plus i can manage to watch movies that i have missed..

Doha is not cold around this time, because we are require to take a shuttle bus from the place to the main building, remember i told you that it was 530 in the morning? well, its not cold, plus is super bright. Maybe the sun here got up earlier than malaysia.

adios..

A big step I took to sooth both hearts

I am sad and Mad.. Both at me and Him... Cant a girl ever be more selfish.. Why other people can? why me cannot? why? why? why? I cannot recall this is the whenth time we patch back after all the break ups.. Honestly i am tired of patching up and breaking and patching.. This cycle seems never to end.. i guess its hard or never to find a guy who will say " i will wait for you".. Maybe this kind of fairy tales only happens to Good people.. Sinful people like me dont deserve any happiness issit? Ok fine, i accept it since im a sinful person.

There are infact too much problems that we keep running away from.. problems that kept us breaking up.. I finally fork out a solution.. A solution that i am not so happy about, but i guess its the best solution.. I guess i am the most silliest person who have thought of such things.

I suggested that both of us are internet lovers. We will only contact each other through MSN and Phones. We might go out once in a while which i doubt. I wont ever ask him to spend time with me for lunch or dinner. He can use all his time as much as he liked.. Both of us can spend out time with whoever we wants.. No commitment needed i guess. I guess we might almost like total strangers when we meet each other.. When he is with his friends, i do feel he is a stranger that i dont know..

Remember i said above of my plan, suprisingly he agreed.. The moment he agreed, my heart aches.. Tears was trickling down my face.. Unstopable tears where my heart is torn to pieces. However since he agreed, i am not going to plead or beg, ill go along with this plan.. A plan that hurts me a lot.. I have no idea whether my decisions is right or wrong, but i just hope he is happy..

He said by doing this, he scared he will lose my heart and lose me eventually.He also said then we are not BF or GF anymore lo?.. i wanted to shout at him"then why didt u try to make me stay". Silly am i not? M heart would not stop aching. The pain is unbearable.. feels being torn into thousand of pieces.. this my thought for now.. i pray for the calmness of my soul..

lies lies lies

" He is nothing to me"
" we are just friends"
"i have no more feelings for him"
"it wont bother me even when he is dating other girls"
AND SO ON......


these are the things that i keep telling myself so that i dont keep liking him.. but no matter how much i lied to myself i also knew it no matter how hard i try to cover it up.... human beings are really stupid in doing things that they know will hurt them in the end... i am one of the stupid human beings... irritated with myself and damn annoyed...... some one please help me .....

Dreams?

i just chat with an old friend.. He is working already and plans to own his own bussiness by next year.. He is starting a entertaiment biz with his friends.. It sound cool you know? Im wondering when will I find my dreams? i realise i dont have any realistic kind of dreams.. Except wanting to play i cant think of anything i wanted to achieve in my life..

Maybe because i was brought up with everything i want and all the love i can get.. For some of my friends to gain good result is one of their aim but i have no urge to do so.. Its like just let it be, i dont really mind the results. I dont mind as long its above the average . I wont try my best to try and achieve the best or the highest although i know i can do it if i wanted to.

I wish i will be transported into a different kind of places to experience new kind of things where i will find what i want in life.. I wants to help people but i dont think im not that charitable enough.. I have a real life model who has been trying her best in her work and study.. I just feel amazed but i dont have any motivation to be just like her..

I am committing one of the sins which is sloth.. Lazy lazy lazy..

i realise its really the time to learn to to express my feelings better by alphabets since im not so good at words... in the mean time i get to improve my english is some sort of way..

Last saturday after my Ko-K exam, i was infact planning to watch a play at KLPAC. I was thinking to ask elaine to join me but it turn out i went to her place instead.. Haha... The first thing she said when she saw me is " what happen to you?" I was shock because i was thinking " Do i look fatter since the last time she saw me which was 2 months ago." or " Is there something wrong with my face?" .. However she said i lost weight which is a good thing.

Last saturday was Halloween which is on 31/10/2009. Halloween is a day where all the ghost and gouls come out from hell to celebrate for a day for the westerners. Its the same thing as chinese hungy ghost festival except westeners dressed up as ghost or ghouls while chinese are not allowed to do so to avoid crashing with the real ghosts and ghouls. Halloween's day is also the birthday of david( my bro's friend) and Janice( elaine's cousin)..


There is something wrong with the KTm system so there was so many delays. i was stuck in 3 delays until i finally got to board the 4th train to KL central. luckily i manage to rush into the train to elaine's place at KL central interchange station..I met elaine outside her apartment. We went to sunway pyramid by taking the taxi which cost around RM8 where the increasement was RM1 since the last time i come. We went to get tickets for 2 movies which are time traveller's wife and Jennifer's body.. Before we watch Time traveller's wife, we went to eat korean food.. it was nice and i had a hard time choosing since all the food seems delicious.. mouth watering foods.. hehe..

We watch time traveller's wife. It was a very romantic story where the plot is almost exactly as the book but they missed the last part where when the heroine was old and facing death, her husband ( the young time traveller) who was dead long time ago came and accompany her till she die.. I do wish when i m old and dying my husband is still there and besides me..

After the movie, we went to Italiannes to celebrate elaine cousin's janice birthday.. Actually janice has a twin brother so its 2 person's birthday.. we tried the new sicillian pizza and a new desert hazel and chocolate cake.. The portion of the pizza and cake was just enough or more than enough for 2 person.. sicillian pizza has powdery anchovies on top of it.. The cake was too sweet and hard although its taste nice in all the nuts in it.. But elaine said its like eating real chocolate..
As the Italiannes restaurant was beside Friday we got to take pictures with the waitress and waiter from Friday since They were dressing up as dead pirates as the theme for halloween in Friday was Pirates of the Carribean..



Anyway after the dinner , we went for the next movie jenniefer's body. This is the most scariest movie ever.. DO you know why? Because i have no idea it was a horror movie so does elaine.. The reason elaine said she choosed the movie because one of the actresses is megan fox.. I screamed the loudest since i was shocked or you might say im the only one who screamed for the mvoie in the part where megan fox was covered in blood and suddenly jumped on the car.... But it was fun anyway screaming to destress since thats the main reason i went to visit elaine..

i was supposed to go back on sunday but elaine convinced me to stay for a night again since she is luring me into nice foods... We stayed at elaine's home until dinner.. We ate steamboat for dinner which was nice and packed with people.. Can you imagine there are so many steamboat restaurants at sunway.. Loh and his friend Sean joined us for dinner.. Actually is loh who picked us up from elaine's apartment which save us from walking to the restaurant.. hehe.. After bath i went to sleep early so that i can wake up around 3 to study. However i think because elaine's room was so nice to sleep i didt wake up until she woke up by switching on the light... I set the alarm and didt heard it rings...

Monday which is today. i followed elaine and her cousin to take the train to KL central. At first i am going back straight away to my school however i still managed to join elaine and her cousin for breakfast at McD and get into the train that goes by my school...

Im supposed to start studying since i have been playing for 3 days but im still lazying around by watching coraline.. A ghost animated cartoon where buttons are the esentials of the story.....

Bored monday or rather black monday for other people

IM bored........ although i have so many homework to be done but im still so lazy to get move on.. or u might say motivated. watch movie the whole day and done only a small part of my assignments. im still thinking to post a new post on criteria on my boyfriend but i havent thought of anything. because as you can see boyfriend comes and go, while husband stays forever thats why is is even harder to set criterias for a boyfriend. im feeling rather down. i think my friendship with a friend of mine is on the tip of an iceberg.. I hate uncertain things which is so bothersome.Should or should not i confront my friend to rebuild our friendship or just let it be to rot?? Last saturday i went to church with my friend and got to know a few more new friends which makes me quite happy. I feel like going to church makes me relaxed even when i have a lot of anxiety. What shock me the most is i sign up myself as a part time helper for the churh's sunday school.. The only thing i hated to go to church in KL is cause i need to wait for the bus.. WAITING irritates me the most.. But i guess i need to cultivate my patience. wuahaha....